One

First

There’s this question that used to roll around in my head a lot as a kid.

In the movie of your life who would play you? 

When I was seven, this question was mostly about which actress your friends agreed was your celebrity lookalike. We never stopped to imagine what these movies would actually contain. What would happen in them. 

Since I've been writing this book that question has come back to me a lot. 

In the movie of your life who would play you? 

But it’s no longer just about who I look like. 

Instead it’s become more about who I would trust with every moment of my life. Who I would trust to do the important bits justice. Who I would trust to not make the scary bits look silly. Who I would trust to make you really feel the heartbreaking bits.

Trust is important here. This is a trust fall, me writing this story. I’m allowing myself to fall backwards without knowing if you will catch me. There’s a chance I could end up with my head smacking hard against the concrete. Because there’s a chance you won’t care enough to break my fall. There’s a chance you won’t care enough to read on. That you will close the book or the app or the illegal free ebook website and go on with your life.

I don’t want to waste your time. I know that there are other things you could be doing now. You could spend this time learning to knit. Or to waterski. You could be learning how to trade stocks. Or be taking a nap.

And I know that the words on these pages are always going to feel more important to me than they will to you.   

I wrestled a lot with the best way to tell this story. What to put in? What to leave out? Whether to name names? Whether to write my own name? Whether to tell it at all? Whether it would be better left alone? Left to sit safely in a vault in my mind, one that I rarely ever open. 

First, they tell you start with a why. A why. A reason why you’re doing this. At least, that seems to be the consensus of the YouTube productivity rabbit hole I sometimes dive into when I’m struggling to write. 

You must have a why, otherwise there’s no way in hell you’ll follow through.

So why, April? Why are you writing this book? 

Because no one will tell this story if I don't.

And you, why should you read this book?

Because this is a story that deserves to be read.